"I can fit in it okay, I just can't close the door."

-Mary on cooling off in the freezer

"Freshmen are friends not fish..."

"...no wait that made more sense on a t-shirt I read."

Singing a New Version of Rihanna's "Take a Bow"

You look so dumb right now/standin' outside my house
Poopin' in my front yard/But you're constipated
Please, Just cut it out

Don't tell me you're sorry 'cause you're not
And baby I know you're only sorry you got caughtpoopin'inmyfrontyard...

Whilst discussing cancer...

"Give you cancer I will"

"The cancer cells are within you right now like the Force"

When someone parked ridiculously close to us and she had to squeeze through a barely opened door into the passenger seat...

"Wow, thanks a lot mister, you're lucky I'm not a fat person."

source

On baseball mitts

"I think they look like chicken fingers"

Should I add this to my resume?

"Semi-retarded at first, but then I grew out of it."